ACT II
L'Atexio's apartment, a minute later. Dee
is no longer in the room.
Veronique rushes in from the kitchen,
hurriedly feeling around for her
knife under the sofa cushion.
ART
(offstage)
Vera!
Veronique finds the silver chalice just as
Art bounds into the room.
She quickly hides it back under the
cushion.
ART
Vera!? What is it?
VERONIQUE
I... I have lost something.
ART
What? We have to go!
VERONIQUE
My contact lens.
ART
Can't you just keep one eye closed?
VERONIQUE
No, this is special. It has
special meaning.
ART
Your contact lens?
VERONIQUE
(with finality)
I will not leave without having it.
Dot appears at the kitchen doorway,
winded, groaning like someone who
has been on a thirty-mile hike.
DOT
Well, that's it. No more scaling stairs
for me.
Art gets on his hands and knees.
ART
Mom, Vera lost her contact lens.
DOT
I didn't know I was going to be
scaling stairs day and night.
ART
We have to find it.
DOT
If I knew you were going to make
me scale all those steps, I would
have worn my walking shoes.
ART
(losing his patience)
Mom, you have not been scaling steps!
You made it down one flight!
DOT
And back.
ART
And those are your walking shoes!
DOT
Not my good ones for stairs.
ART
Please,
Mom! Just help us look.
Dot stoops over to look on the floor.
Veronique and Art are on their
hands and kness looking.
DOT
What's it look like?
ART
It's a contact lens.
DOT
Well, I found something that might
be one.
Dot picks something up.
ART
You did!?
DOT
Well. No. I think it's a piece of
cellophane.
ART
(to Veronique)
Did you go into the bathroom?
Veronique shakes her head.
DOT
Or glass. Maybe from a light bulb.
VERONIQUE
I was in the kitchen.
Art heads for the kitchen Veronique digs
behind the sofa cushion.
DOT
One of those... oh, what do you
call it?
ART
(stops in his tracks)
Wait!
The sofa!
VERONIQUE
No!
DOT
Honey, what are those lights
they have in offices?
VERONIQUE
Check the closet.
ART
(puzzled)
The closet?
Art heads for the closet.
DOT
Office lights? Is that it?
ART
MOTHER, SHUT UP!!
Dot is stung, appears to be about to cry.
Art feels guilty immediately.
ART
I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry.
I really am, I'm just nervous.
Dot starts crying quietly.
ART
Oh, no, come on. Please, I didn't
mean to yell.
Dot nods, but doesn't stop crying.
ART
Is my apologizing making you cry more?
Dot nods.
ART
I'll stop...
(Art hugs Dot)
You
know I'd never intentionally be cruel?
Dot nods, touches Art's cheek, lovingly.
ART
(nicely)
Now would you crawl around the kitchen
floor on your hands and knees,
see if you can find it?
Dot nods, grabbing her gin glass on the
way to the kitchen. Art goes
into the closet. Veronique crawls beind the sofa to see if her
knife
has somehow fallen through.
Dee Wraith appears at the studio door,
knife ready. She obviously
thinks she heard something, but doesn't
see anyone. She warily makes
her way over and into the kitchen. After a
pause, we hear both Dee and
Dot scream offstage.
Veronique jumps to her feet startled. Dee
runs back into the room, sees
Veronique, and holds her at bay with the
knife.
DEE
(in her husky, threatening voice)
Who are you?! Why is there an old lady
crawling on the kitchen floor,
drinking gin?
VERONIQUE
She is looking for my contact lens,
there was no scotch, and I am
Akril L'Atexio's new lover.
DEE
(beat)
You're what!?
Art suddenly leaps out of the closet,
throwing a raincoat over Dee's
head and grabbing her knife arm.
VERONIQUE
Akril!?
Dot comes in from the kitchen, holding a
refilled glass of gin on the
rocks.
ART
(to Dot)
Grab his arm!
Dot grabs the unarmed arm.
ART
The one with the knife in it!
Dot makes a few attempts while still
holding her gin, but as Dee and
Art struggle, the knife is moved
irratically around, and Dot is afraid
to grab for it.
ART
Mom!?
DOT
Well, make him stop moving it!
Veronique grabs Dee's arm, securing her
from waving the knife.
ART
Get his foot!
Dot grabs Dee's foot and pulls it off the
ground, still holding tight
to her gin. They look like an inept trio
of steer ropers. Veronique is
able to pry the knife away.
ART
The closet!
With great difficulty, the manuever Dee
over to and into the closet.
Art slams the door.
Dee is quickly lunging against the door,
bidding for an escape.
DEE
(muffled)
Akril!?
ART
There's no lock! Find some way to
secure this door!
Veronique and Dot begin looking around
frantically. Dot notices a
wooden handle sticking out of Dee's bag.
It is a sculptor's hammer. She
also finds a chisel and brings it to Art,
who hammers the chisel into
the crack of the door, wedging it shut.
We hear Dee pounding on the closet door.
DEE
(muffled, threatening)
I'm gonna tear your balls off
and
eat 'em!?
ART
(to Veronique)
My God, someone really is trying
to kill me!
Veronique now has the knife, of course.
DEE
Akril!? I am gonna drive razor blades into
your heels and make you do a
flamenco dance!
ART
I'm sorry things aren't working out
how we planned.
VERONIQUE
Oui. I had wanted to perform the
ritual with some passion and dignity.
ART
Well, now, don't give up.
VERONIQUE
I cannot wait any longer. I am sorry,
Ms. L'Atexio, that you must
witness this.
ART
Wait, now. In front of Mom?
DOT
It's nothing I haven't seen, I'm sure.
Just a Veronique begins moving towards
Art, Fred opens the front door.
FRED
(over his shoulder)
Right in here, Agent Grisso...
Seeing the scene within, Fred immediately
slams and locks the door in
the unseen agent's face. We hear the
person knocking.
FRED
One second, Agent Grisso!
Fred looks at Art, bloodlust in his eyes.
FRED
(choked)
Why
are you here!
ART
(french accent)
I am sorry, Frederic. An emergency arose.
Miss Ranquet lost her contact lens.
FRED
I have the F.B.I. in the hall!
Upon hearing this, Veronique discreetly
slips the disemboweling blade
under the sofa cushion again.
ART
Frederic, someone wants to kill
me.
FRED
Me! I want to kill you!
ART
No, no! A man with a curved knife.
He is in the closet.
Dee pounds on the door.
DEE
I'm gonna chisel off the top of
your head and drink Sanka from it!
DOT
It's true, Freddie. I was on the kitchen
floor when he
stalked in. I felt like a baby
stegosaurus come upon by a tyrannasaurus rex.
FRED
What?
DOT
A tyrannasaurus rex. It means
"lizard with... a florescent
tube! Oh, I knew that perfectly well!
Someone knocks on the front door.
FRED
(through the door)
I'm fine! One second!
ART
Luckily, my mother found the killer's
hammer and chisel and
we were able to incarcerate him
in the closet.
Dot moves to Fred, feeling the effects of
the gin, is laying it on Fred
with an extraneous amount of touching and
squeezing for inflection.
DOT
Oh, Freddie, you were so smart
and brave to bring the F.B.I.
FRED
His hammer and chisel?
DOT
A hammer and chisel.
FRED
Did this man have a tattoo and short
jet black hair?
ART
Yes.
FRED
Was he dressed in black leather?
VERONIQUE
Yes.
FRED
Is there any way, in the realm
of all possibility, that
this
man might have been a woman?
Art, Dot and Veronique exchange looks,
reaching a silent agreement.
DOT
No.
FRED
It's Dee Wraith!
ART
The manic-depressive?
FRED
Yes! We have to let her out!
DEE
I'm gonna wear your fricking
eyeballs as earrings!
She pounds on the door again.
ART
Maybe we should wait for
a more depressive mood?
VERONIQUE
It is your ex-lover?
FRED
(has reached his limit)
No, it's not his ex-lover!
ART
Now, Frederic...
FRED
No, I've had it! It's over.
This is the best job I've
ever had. I'm not losing it
just so you can play hide the bishop--
ART
Fred!! Before you say anything else,
I must make a confession!
Art pulls Fred aside, speaking to him
privately, dropping the accent.
ART
What we've done is a felony.
At least. However, mistaking
one tenant's apartment for
another's is just a stupid mistake.
FRED
What do you mean?
ART
I mean, L'Atexio could live in the
penthouse for all the F.B.I knows.
FRED
No!
ART
And...!
FRED
No!
ART
And, if you do this, I promise
by the end of the night, I will
have my sister in love with
you.
FRED
No, no, no, no!!
ART
In love, Fred! Take a deep breath
and decide: would you rather live
in bliss with Meg, or in jail with me.
Fred pauses, then turns abruptly and heads
for the door.
FRED
(to
Dot, not very gently)
Come here!
Fred hurries Dot over to the door with
him, unlocks and opens it. To
the unseen agent.
FRED
What
a stupid mistake I've made!
(referring to Dot)
This is Mrs.... Stegosaurus' apartment.
She's a midwife.
Dot hangs on Fred's shoulder.
DOT
Hi.
FRED
(Fred signals Art
behind Dot's back)
That screaming you may have heard was
one of her patients giving birth.
ART
(like a baby)
Wah! Wah!
DEE
(from the closet)
AHHHH!
FRED
To twins.
DEE
(muffled)
Let me out of here! I'm claustrophobic!
Fred nudges Dot to go.
DOT
Oops! I better go finish my job.
Dot swats Fred's butt and walks away from
the door.
FRED
'Bye-bye, Mrs. Stegosaurus.
(as he exits, to unseen agent)
Now, let's get up to that penthouse.
Fred exits.
ART
(to Veronique)
Forgive me, but I have no use for
the
F.B.I., and, given these
embarrassing circumstances...
You understand?
DOT
If she does, she's miles ahead of me.
There is a knock on the door.
ART
I don't believe it. Mom, you have
to answer. Remember, you're
Mrs. Stegosaurus, a mid-wife.
DOT
You mean from now on?
ART
No, just to answer the door.
DOT
(beat)
Let me write it down.
There is another knock.
ART
No, no, just answer!
Art and Veronique huddle behind the door
as Dot opens it.
MEG'S VOICE
Mother?
DOT
No, I'm a mid-wife.
Meg takes half a step in.
MEG
Roxanne told me you took the wrong
address. This isn't Art's
apartment.
DOT
I know that.
MEG
Then why are you here?
DOT
I'm Mrs. Stegosaurus. I'm a mid-wife.
MEG
Are you drinking gin?
Meg reaches for Dot's glass, Dot pulls it
out of her reach.
MEG
Come on, you have to leave these people
alone.
VERONIQUE
Oh, Miss Angeley!
MEG
(a
bit startled)
Miss Ranquet!
Art tries to hide behind Veronique, making
Veronique confused as to who
Meg is addressing.
VERONIQUE
We
feared you were the F.B.I.
MEG
The F.B.I.?
(seeing Art, derogatory)
Why in hell are you still here?
VERONIQUE
I am Akril's guest.
MEG
I'm sorry, not you...
What's with the beard?
VERONIQUE
The beard?
ART
(French accent)
I am no beard. I am her true lover!
MEG
Who's supposed to buy the French accent?
ART
No one is buying her, she is here
of her own volition! How dare you!
If you can not comport yourself
with greater decorum, I must insist
you leave. In fact, I insist you leave
anyway. And take your mother with you...
My mother!
Art pushes Meg and Dot together and tries
to manuever them out.
MEG
Let go of me!
(the ancient cry)
Mom!?
(Meg pulls away)
Mom!?
DOT
Mom who?
VERONIQUE
She thinks you are her mother.
MEG
She is my mother! And Art is my
brother.
ART
Yes, art is important to all of us.
He again tries to grab her.
MEG
You're asking for it.
ART
You are getting hysterical, Miss Angeley!
MEG
Alright. I've covered for you long enough!
I am sick and
tired of you swindling
Mom out of her money and my inheritance.
(to Dot)
I'm sorry, Mom, but your son is not
a chiropractor.
DOT
I know that.
MEG
(surprised)
He told you?
DOT
Oh, yes. He's a... damn...
(she digs into her purse)
ART
Do me this favor, Miss Angeley.
I have
spoken to Monsieur Spawn on
your behalf. He wants to take
Mother and you out this very evening.
MEG
I saw Fred in the hall with two men; he
pretended he didn't know me.
ART
Poor, shy garcon. Alas, we cannot all be
Pepe Le
Pugh.
DOT
Here's something!
(reading a note)
"You like Ike..." Damn, and I
voted for Goldwater.
Dee pounds on the door.
DEE
I'm claustrophobic! Let me out,
let me out, let me out!!!
MEG
Who's that?
VERONIQUE
Dee Wraith.
MEG
Why is she in the closet?
VERONIQUE
Akril had to lock her in.
MEG
What?
ART
Therapy. To overcome her
claustrophobia.
DEE
I'm going to bury you alive
in a casket full of rats,
you butt-sucking, pig-shit!!
ART
Ah! She is improving by the second!
(a coded plea to Meg)
Now, please. Miss Ranquet and
I must continue our aesthetic exploration.
If you love Art, and I know that
deep in your heart, you do,
please, do me this favor.
MEG
I don't love Art that much.
ART
But you love Fred. And I swear to
make him yours before the night
is out.
VERONIQUE
You would be doing me a favor,
as well, Miss Angeley.
ART
Please.
Take Mother to see Fred.
DOT
(reading note)
"I've fallen and I can't get up....
Send Herb."
MEG
(to Dot)
Come on, Mrs. Angeley.
Shows Meg the note.
DOT
Who's Herb?
MEG
"Help!"
DOT
What do you need?
ART
(taking away the note, comfortingly)
The paper is yellowed, Mother.
Whoever it is, they have certainly
gotten up by now.
Art helps Meg escort Dot out, then closes
the door. Veronique backs up
to the sofa, sits on the arm.
ART
(dropping the French accent)
Alone again at last... You really impress
me, Vera. Most women would have
given up on me and left.
VERONIQUE
When something means this much,
I
don't give up.
ART
That's just how I feel. My God,
Vera. Maybe I've finally met
my match.
Art embraces her on the sofa while
Veronique discreetly gropes for the
knife under the sofa cushion.
ART
(an outpouring)
No woman's ever known me, who
I really am. I was too
afraid of rejection. But,
God, Vera... Maybe you can open me up.
Veronique holds the knife up behind
his back.
VERONIQUE
I can open you up, yes.
ART
I know it'll be painful at first.
VERONIQUE
Only if I do it the wrong way.
ART
You're experienced, then.
VERONIQUE
No. This will be my first time.
ART
My God.
VERONIQUE
And my last.
She wraps her arms around his waist,
resting her cheek in his lap.
VERONIQUE
After this, there will be no reason
to
continue living.
ART
(shifting, hot under the collar)
Well, let's not blow it out
of proportion.
VERONIQUE
I love you, Akril. But as much as
I love you, I hate you even more.
ART
God! You know how to turn me on!
Art suddenly jumps on top of her, pushing
her onto her back and
jostling the knife out of her hand.
ART
(continued)
I deserve to be hated. It's so true.
But if I thought you loved me, the
real me, I would change. If you only knew...
VERONIQUE
I don't want to know! I just
want
this to be over.
ART
I know, I remember my first time...
Well... Shoot, I don't... But
we'll go one step at a time.
VERONIQUE
Get off me.
ART
That's not one of the steps.
VERONIQUE
You must assume the position.
ART
You want to be on top?
VERONIQUE
Behind.
ART
Oh, right.
Arthur gets up, starts to assume the
position on the canvas.
ART
You sure you want to do it like this?
Veronique blindfolds him with her scarf.
VERONIQUE
I must do as Allah wishes.
ART
Well, I don't know who Allowishus is,
but he's a little bent.
Veronique retrieves the knife.
VERONIQUE
Our ancestors have performed the ritual
in
this way for five thousand years.
ART
The ritual?... Oh, yeah. Okay.
Veronique moves behind him. Art suddenly
pulls off the blindfold and
turns on Veronique.
ART
I can't. I'm sorry, I can't take your
virginity like this. I'm not
Akril L'Atexio. I'm Arthur Angeley.
(takes a deep breath)
I feel so much better....
(Veronique stares, mouth agape)
Why are you holding that knife?
Fred enters carrying a fire extinquisher
and a Yankee's baseball cap.
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