Monday, March 11, 2013

To celebrate my 53rd Birthday, the exciting conclusion to WHAT IS ART?


                                        ART
                         Fred! What are you doing?
     
     Fred puts down the fire extinquisher and pulls the knife out of Vera's 
     hand.
                 
                                       FRED
                         Miss Ranquet, it's time for your brain massage.
     
                                        ART
                         Not now, Fred.
     
                                       FRED
                         Now, Akril! It's an emergency.
     
                                        ART
                         We can stop pretending, Fred.
     
                                       FRED
                         No, we can't!!
                             (to Veronique)
                         Get in the bath tub and don't say a word!
                         It's part of the pre-brain warm up process!
                             (Veronique shakes her head, 
                             still stunned)
                         If you don't, I can't be responsible
                         for what happens!
     
     The crazed Fred is waving the knife, and Veronique takes this to be a 
     threat on her life. She backs down the hall into the bathroom. Fred 
     looks curiously at the knife in his hand, then quickly hides it under 
     the sofa cushion.
     
                                        ART
                         What's going on?... Fred?
     
     Fred yanks off Art's beard and sticks it to Art's forehead, over the 
     strawberry. He then puts the Yankee's cap on Art's head and hands him 
     the fire extinquisher.
     
                                        ART
                         Fred, I told Veronique who I was and
                         I sent Meg and my mother up
                         to the penthouse to see you.
     
     Fred stomps on Art's toe for good measure, then opens the front door 
     just as the real AKRIL L'ALEXIO reaches it. 
     
       FRED
                         Mr. L'Atexio! Welcome home. I had
                         just let the exterminator in.
     
     Akril wears a gotee and Elton John glasses, and is dressed as a true 
     Soho eccentric. A airplane ticket sticks out his top pocket.
     
     Art adopts a broad Brooklyn accent.
     
                                        ART
                         Bernie Silverfish. How are you?
                         Okays, Mr. Spawn, I'll take
                         it from here. Yous can
                         go check on dat infestation
                         problem upstairs.
     
                                       FRED
                         Excuse me.
     
     Fred leaves. Akril stares at Art, says nothing. Feeling compelled to 
     act, Art points the fire extinquisher and releases a blast of carbon 
     dioxide foam along the baseboard of the wall. Akril looks at the foam, 
     a bit concerned.
     
                                        ART
                         94% biodegradable. It'll dissapate.... 
                         So, the super said yous was abroad?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         No. I'm not a broad.
     
                                        ART
                             (laughs)
                         Oh! Boy, are you a card.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         No, I'm not a card, either. I'm...
                         I shouldn't talk to you.
     
                                        ART
                         I heard yous was leaving town.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh, yes, oui. But a one-eyed man in torn
                         clown pants offered to carry
                         my luggage through Port Authority.
                         Somehow, we got separated.
     
     The occasional use of "oui", without a trace of French inflection, is 
     as French as Akril gets. Akril sees the slahed painting at the same 
     moment Art does. Art races to it, giving the painting an overall 
     coating of foam.
      
                                    ART
                         When's the last time you sprayed
                         for canvas weevils?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Never.
     
                                        ART
                         Geez, no wonder! You're okay now. 
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Thank you, Bernie. Merci.
     
                                        ART
                         No problem, Mister...
     
     Art looks at the name on the plane ticket.
     
                                        ART
                         Bread? E. Bread? What's the "E" for?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Ed.
     
                                        ART
                         Your name is Ed Bread?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Yes, oui... I mean, no... I mean,
                         I can't say.
     
                                        ART
                         Port Authority-lag. I know how you feel.
     
                                        DEE
                             (singing, sweetly and insanely)
                         "Think of a wonderful thought..."
     
                                    ART AND DEE
                         "Any happy little thought."
     
     Akril turns towards Art, who picks up the song from there, humming and 
     whistling while he works.
     
                                        ART
                         Da-da-da-da, da-da-duh,
                         Da-da-da-da, da-da-duh,
                         Da-da-da-da-da-duh....
     
     Art pauses. It appears Dee has finished singing. Art eases only a 
     second, before...
     
DEE
                         "You can fly!"
     
                                    DEE AND ART
                         "You can fly!
                         You can fly!
                         You can fly!
                         You can fly-y!"
     
     Akril stares at Art, dancing and spraying foam in rythym.
     
                                        ART
                         Yous gotta enjoy what you do.
                         You know what I mean? 
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh, yes, oui.
     
                                        ART
                         What do you do?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         I'm a painter... 
                             (he spots something)
                         Why is Dee's chisel here?
     
                                        ART
                         No!
     
     It's too late. Akril removes the chisel unleashing Dee, who charges out 
     like a bull, driving Akril backwards onto the sofa. They struggle with 
     the chisel, which Dee is attempting to drive into Akril's groin.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Dee!
     
     Art grabs the sculptor's hammer and holds it over his head. 
     
                                        ART
                             (threatening)
                         Hey!!
     
     Dee turns, sees the hammer, and attacks Art fearlessly.
     
                                        ART
                             (surprised)
                         Hey!?
     
     Dee begins trying to twist the hammer out of Art's hand. Akril grabs 
     her foot, the process of corraling her in the closet is exactly 
     repeated. The chisel is hammered in again. The two men sit at the base 
     of the door, as further bracing. We hear Dee pounding on the door.

                                       AKRIL
                         My. I haven't seen her that upset
                         in a long time.
     
                                        DEE
                         Akril!
     
                                        ART
                         She calls you Akril?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh, yes, oui. That's my new name. 
                         Sid gave it to me.
     
                                        ART
                         Sid?
     
                                       AKRIL
                             (memorized)
                         My manager, but also my friend.
     
                                        ART
                         How did you hook up with him?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh. I painted his kitchen.
     
                                        ART
                         In what style?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Glossy Peach Cobbler.
      
                                        ART
                         Glossy Peach Cobbler?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh, yes, oui. But he insisted I redo it 
                         in Poisonous Sumac. 
     
                                        ART
                         You're a house painter?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh, no. Kitchens. But I spilled the Poisonous
                         Sumac, which is just gray-green, really, 
                         and while I was looking for
                         a broom to clean up the paint...
     
                                        ART
                         A broom?
     
   AKRIL
                         --Oh, yes, oui-- some art dealer offered Sid
                         twelve thousand dollars for my
                         drop cloth. Sid gave me ten percent,
                         but said I couldn't be Ed Bread
                         anymore. 
     
                                        ART
                         So he gave you a French name?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         It's not French. It's paint.
     
                                        ART
                         Akril...? 
     
                                   ART AND AKRIL
                         Acrylic Latex.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Yes. I've been Akril L'Atexio ever
                         since.
     
                                        ART
                         You don't seem too happy about it.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh, no. But Sid says I will be,
                         once it all hits me.
     
                                        ART
                         Once what all hits you?
     
                                       AKRIL
                             (ponders a moment)
                         I don't know.
     
     Dee pounds on the door.
     
                                        DEE
                         Let me out!!
     
                                       AKRIL
                         We can't, Dee, you might harm yourself.
     
                                        ART
                         So you've never even had an art lesson?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         No, no. If I took one lesson, Sid says the
                         critics would spot it. Then they would
                         know what they were looking at,
                         and wouldn't be afraid to tear us apart.
     
       ART
                         Us?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh, yes, oui. I run out of ideas for what
                         colors to make the blobs, sometimes,
                         so Sid does them.
     
                                        DEE
                             (sweetly)
                         Bread-man?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oui, D.W.?
     
                                        DEE
                         I'm sorry I about your painting, Bread, but 
                         when I saw what you had done to my 
                         Pillars of Life, it... GOT ME UPSET!!
     
     While Art is turned towards the closet door, Akril is looking at the 
     large, broken sculpture.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Oh, dear. How will I ever explain
                         Dee's penis?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         I think most people would believe
                         ya, sight unseen.
     
     Akril turns towards the closet door and kneels, being concillatory.
     
                                 AKRIL (continued)
                         Wraith-cakes? I'm sorry, I don't know
                         what happened to your Pillars...
     
                                        SID
                         Knock, knock. Ready or not....
     
                                        ART
                         Sid!
     
     Sid enters. Seeing the real Akril, he slams the door in Biff's face.
     
                                       BIFF
                         Ow!
     
     Locking the door, he rushes over to the closet.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Hi, Sid.
     
                                        SID
                         Hi, Akril.
         
     Sid pulls out he chisel, opens the door, yanks the glasses off Akril's 
     face, and uses his foot to shove him into the closet. Rewedging the 
     door, he quickly pushes the glasses onto Art's face, yank's the beard 
     off Art's forehead and repositions it on his chin. Veronique enters 
     from the studio wearing only a towel.
     
                                        SID
                         What are you doing here?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         I was in the bath tub
                         waiting for a massage.
     
                                        SID
                             (to Art)
                         That's as far as you've gotten in
                         thirty minutes?!
     
     Biff pounds on the door.
     
                                       BIFF
                         Let me in!
     
     Akril pounds on the closet door.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Let me out!!!
     
                                        SID
                         God, help me! What have I done to
                         deserve this?
     
                                        ART
                         Well...
     
                                        SID
                         It's rhetorical, you dimwit! 
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         This man is not L'Atexio, he is an imposter.
     
                                        SID
                         You told her!?
     
                                        ART
                         I had to.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Why did you do this thing?
     
                                        ART
                         I would do anything to make
                         you love me. I'm obsessed
                         with you, Veronique Ranquet.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Obsessed? With me?
     
     Biff pounds on the door.
     
                                   BIFF
                         Mr. Stole!
     
     Sid pulls out a wad of bills.
     
                                        SID
                             (to Veronique)
                         How much for you to keep quiet?
                         Name your price.
                             (Veronique stares at him, unbending)
                         Alright, I'll name it... Fifty
                         dollars!? That's outrageous!
     
     Sid pushes a bill into her hand, then puts the plastic fruit glasses on 
     Art. Akril knocks on the closet door.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Sid?
     
                                        SID
                         Keep quiet, Ed!
     
                                        ART
                         Vera? You can turn me in. I'll still
                         love you.
                             (Veronique nods resolutely)
                         Vera? I'll love you 
                         a lot more if you don't.
     
     Sid opens the door and lets Biff in.
     
                                       BIFF
                         What's the idea of locking me out!
     
                                        SID
                         Akril was creating an original work
                         of art in your honor.
     
     Sid grabs the first thing he sees, a can of paint, and hands it to 
     Biff.
     
                                       BIFF
                         It's a can of paint.
     
                                        SID
                         Yes!
     
                                       BIFF
                         It's dripping on me.
     
                                        SID
                             (now you've got it)
                         Ahhh!

      BIFF
                             (beat)
                         Well, I like it, but that's still no
                         excuse. The National Endowment does not
                         tolerate being made fools of.
     
                                        ART
                             (French accent)
                         Since when?
     
                                       BIFF
                         Never, sir, have I met a man with fewer morals
                         or convictions. You're a Yankees fan?
     
     Art is still wearing the cap.
     
                                        ART
                         Oui.
     
                                       BIFF
                         It figures.
     
     Biff turns, finds himself "face to face" with Veronique in towel, 
     holding a fifty dollar bill.
     
                                       BIFF
                         You're not going to save him, Miss,
                         despite your extraordinary overtures.
     
     With that, Biff snips the fifty dollars from her hand and swiftly 
     pockets it.
     
                                       BIFF
                             (continued; to Art)
                         So! Is what Mr. Stole told me 
                         true?
     
     Art isn't sure what to say. Sid stands behind Biff. Without looking 
     directly at Sid, Art holds up one finger and nods (meaning "one for 
     yes"), then holds up two fingers and shakes his head.
     
                                       BIFF
                         What? You don't know?
     
     Sid raises a triumphant finger.
     
                                        SID
                         Of course he knows!!
     
                                        ART
                         Yes. What Sid told you is true.
     
      BIFF
                         That's all I need to hear, Mr. L'Atexio.
     
     Biff puts his briefcase on a tabletop, and opens the latches.
     
                                       BIFF
                         Would you please get on your
                         hands and knees, facing the wall.
     
                                        ART
                         Some people will do anything for a grant, 
                         monsieur, but I am not one of them.
     
     Veronique realizes who Biff is.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Wait! This man is a fraud!
     
     Art and Biff are both caught off guard.
     
                                   ART AND BIFF
                         I don't know what you mean.
     
     Art and Biff look at each other, puzzled.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         I am trying to save you.
     
                                   BIFF AND ART
                         Save me?
     
                                        SID
                         Nothing, Mr. Shingles. She's a, a demented,
                         French groupie.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         He thinks you are an emissary of
                         evil!
     
                                        SID
                         With paranoid delusions.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                             (in Arabic)
                         I know who you are.
     
                                        SID
                         Who speaks Spanish. Ignore her.
     
     Biff and Veronique exchange looks.
     
             BIFF
                         I don't know who you are, Miss.
                         But you had better stay out of
                         this for your own sake.
     
                                       AKRIL
                             (in the closet)
                         Hello? Could you let me out?
     
     Akril knocks on the door, softly.
     
                                       BIFF
                         Who's in the closet?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         It is L'Atexio's ex-lover.
     
                                       BIFF
                         A man?
     
                                        ART
                         Yes!
     
                                       BIFF
                         Well, have him come out of the closet.
     
                                        ART
                         I think that is his decision to make.
     
                                        DEE
                         Let us out, I'm claustrophobic!
     
                                       BIFF
                         That sounded like a woman. Remotely.
     
                                        ART
                         He is a female impersonator.
     
                                       BIFF
                         But she said "us".
     
                                        ART
                         He has a split personality.
     
                                       BIFF
                         I don't understand?
     
                                        SID
                         It's "Living Art." I've never been able to 
                         get a handle on it, either. But then, I'm 
                         not a genius.
     
                                    BIFF
                             (knocks on the closet door)
                         Who's in there?
     
                                       AKRIL
                         This is Akril L'Atexio!
     
                                        SID
                             (to Art)
                         Ah! Now I see! It's you trapped in
                         the closet. Brilliant!
     
                                       AKRIL
                         I'm in here with Dee Wraith. We've
                         been locked in and we're claustrophobic.
     
                                        SID
                         A statement on monogamy. It's the 
                         deepest goddamn thing I've ever seen! 
     
                                       BIFF
                         I've had enough of your games!
     
     Biff grabs the chisel, Art and Sid lunge for him, grabbing his hand. 
     Art's baseball cap is knocked off.
     
                                        ART
                         No! You will ruin it!
     
     Suddenly, we hear the sounds of gunshots somewhere in the building.
     
                                        SID
                         That sounded like gunshots.
     
                                        ART
                         The F.B.I. is upstairs.
     
                                       BIFF
                         The F.B.I.!?
     
                                        ART
                         They think there is an assassin after me.
     
                                        SID
                         There is.
     
                                        ART
                         You mean it's not for publicity?
     
                                        SID
                         No, it was just a stroke of dumb luck.
                         We'd better move Shingles to
                         some place safe. 
     
   ART
                         The incinerator room!
     
                                        SID
                         Good idea!
     
                                        ART
                         Let's take the stairs.
     
     Sid and Art forcibly move Biff and exit through the kitchen.
     
                                       BIFF
                         No, no! I need to stay here!...
                         My briefcase!
     
     But they don't stop, and are gone. Veronique goes to Biff's briefcase, 
     removes the silver chalice and disemboweling blade, secrets the chalice 
     behind a pillow on the sofa and slips the blade into her cleavage just 
     as Meg enters with Fred through the front door, winded.
     
                                        MEG
                         Oh, Fred!
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         What happened to Miss Angeley?
     
                                       FRED
                         I don't know. When I got up to the
                         top floor, she ran into the elevator....
                         Where's everybody else?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         They took Mr. Shingles to the incinerator.
     
                                       FRED
                         What!?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         For his own safety, because of the shooting.
     
                                       FRED
                         What shooting?
     
                                        MEG
                         Fred, Mother and I went up
                         to your apartment, and there
                         was this strange little man
                         trying to unlock your door.
                         He said he lived there.
     
       FRED
                             (worried)
                         Oh?
     
                                        MEG
                         We told him that you lived there and
                         he'd better leave before we called
                         the police.
     
                                       FRED
                             (very worried)
                         Oh?
     
                                        MEG
                         The man told us to get away and said 
                         he had a gun in his grocery bag.
                         Next thing I knew, someone inside
                         your apartment opened fire.
     
                                       FRED
                             (frantic)
                         Oh?!
     
                                        MEG
                         Blood was everywhere.
     
                                       FRED
                         Everywhere? What do you mean? Who's blood?
     
                                        MEG
                         The little man's, I think.
     
                                       FRED
                         No.
     
                                        MEG
                         He ran into the stairwell. 
                         I think my mother went with him.
     
                                       FRED
                         No, no...
     
                                        MEG
                         Two men came out of your apartment.
                         They said they were with the F.B.I.
     
                                       FRED
                         No, no, no...
     
                                        MEG
                         They said the little man was
                         an assassin sent to kill
                         L'Atexio.
     
       VERONIQUE
                         No, no, no, no. Monsieur Shingles is the assassin!
                         I must go save Arthur.
     
     Veronique leaves.
     
                                        MEG
                         But then who's the little man?
     
                                       FRED
                         Bhrundi. He lives there.
     
                                        MEG
                         But I thought...?
     
                                       FRED
                         No, I live in the basement. I'm
                         the building super... I'm sorry, Meg.
                         I lied.
     
                                        MEG
                         Why?
     
                                       FRED
                         So that Art could pass himself off as
                         L'Atexio and seduce Miss Ranquet.
     
                                        MEG
                         Why would you do that, Fred?
                         You know Art's the biggest user
                         in the world.
     
                                       FRED
                         I didn't do it for Art. I did it
                         for you.
     
                                        MEG
                         Me?
     
                                       FRED
                         Art said he could set me up with you.
                         And I know you're not really interested,
                         but Art said there might be some hope
                         if he worked on you...
      
                                        MEG
                         Fred, I love you.
     
                                       FRED
                         What?
     
MEG
                         I've had a thing for you ever since
                         the first time we ran into you
                         at the movies.
     
                                       FRED
                         But your brother said...
     
                                        MEG
                         He lied.
     
     Meg kisses Fred. It is a long, soft loving kiss. 
     
                                       FRED
                         If you knew how much I've suffered
                         for that kiss.
     
                                        MEG
                         You? I've lost three of my closest friends.
     
                                       FRED
                         How?
     
                                        MEG
                         I set them up on dates with Art.
                         All for a chance to meet you at 
                         the movies.
     
                                       FRED
                         Same here. For you, I've had to rent a speed boat
                         and pretend to be the coach of Art's Olympic 
                         waterski team. I've had to swipe my father's
                         Cadillac and chaffeur Art and some Swedish
                         folk dancer to my uncle's cabin in Vermont.
     
                                        MEG
                         I had to let Art use my apartment and
                         pose as his French maid.
     
                                       FRED
                         So did I.
     
                                        MEG
                         My God, Fred, you really do love me.
     
     They kiss again.
     
                                        MEG
                         Wait a second. If that was Art, where's 
                         the real L'Atexio?
     
                                       AKRIL
                             (from the closet)
                         I'm in here.
                            
     Meg looks at the closet, bewildered.
     
                                       AKRIL
                         Could someone let us out? 
                         Dee's very depressed.
     
     Meg looks to Fred.
     
                                       FRED
                         It's a long story.
     
                                        MEG
                             (jumps to her feet)
                         Fred! Bhrundi! My mother is with
                         a homicidal dictator.
     
                                       FRED
                         They went into the penthouse stairwell?
                         We'd better check the roof.
     
     They exit through the kitchen.
     

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