Here is the rest of ACT I of WHAT IS ART? where we meet Dot. Loosely based on my own Mom and her bad memory, it was one of the audience's favorite characters. I believe the last section included the bit where Fred accidentally breaks one of the sculptress' marble penises. Opening night at GeVa, when he snapped it off it skittered off the front of the stage into the lap of an elder patron. Actor Wally Dunn walked calmly over and held out his hand for the old lady to hand him back the penis, the returned to his spot and continued with the play. It was a great live theatre moment.
Just as she is about to insert the
disemboweling blade, the front door
opens. An elderly WOMAN with a blonde perm
stands in the doorway.
WOMAN
What are you doing to my son?
ART
(beat)
Mother?
It is Art's mother, DOT ANGELEY. She
carries a large purse and an
overnight bag which she swings at
Veronique.
DOT
Get away from him!
Art yanks off his blindfold and brings Dot
under control.
ART
It's alright, Mom. We were playing
a game!
Veronique hides the knife and chalice
under the sofa cushion.
DOT
A game?
ART
You know, an adult game. Between men
and women.
DOT
A sex game?
ART
You know what that is?
DOT
Sure. I just don't see how that
one could be any fun.
ART
Mom?
DOT
Yes?
ART
What are you doing here?
DOT
You invited me.
ART
No.
DOT
You did. You said you could introduce
me to some single men.
ART
Next
week.
DOT
No. I wrote it down.
Dot pulls a scrap of paper from her purse
and reads it.
DOT
"Bail
Larry out of jail...."
Who's Larry?
ART
I have an Uncle named Larry.
Your brother.
DOT
That must be it.
ART
Do you remember if you bailed him out?
DOT
Never start a question to me with "Do
you remember?"
(pulls another scrap from her purse)
Here. "May 11th, 4:30." It's May
11th, right?
VERONIQUE
Oui.
Art looks at it.
ART
Mom, this is for a doctor's appointment.
DOT
It is?...
(she takes it back, looks)
What do you think's wrong with me?
ART
I
don't know. How did you get this address?
DOT
(she produces another scrap
of paper)
349 East 49th Street, #801.
VERONIQUE
That is correct.
ART
But I didn't give that to you.
Where have you been, Mom? Since
you got to New York.
DOT
Your sister's.
ART
My
sister's. Okay. Who did you
talk to?
DOT
Your sister wasn't there. I talked
to some woman. Jenny, or Jeanie,
or...
ART
Roxanne?
DOT
That's it. The caterer. She gave me
your
address and I wrote it down.
ART
This is May--
(stops himself from saying "Meg")
--my sister's hand writing.
DOT
Well, I was at her phone table...
ART
Nevermind, I got it. I think.
DOT
So this is where you live?
ART
Yes. Do you like it?
Surveying the penises, et al.
DOT
Well... What's important is that
you like it.
VERONIQUE
Are you not a fan of your son's work?
DOT
What? Oh, yes.
I think he's wonderful.
I was so concerned when he was
a boy. He was never any good in
school, always in trouble. Everyone
told him over and over that he would
amount to nothing. And now, look at him.
VERONIQUE
I love this painting particularly.
DOT
Do you?
VERONIQUE
Don't you?
DOT
It looks like a coffee stain.
VERONIQUE
(impressed)
She is so preceptive.
ART
Yes.
DOT
I'm so proud of Art. Who could have guessed?
(to Art)
I was hoping you would do me while
I was here.
ART
Sure, Mom.
VERONIQUE
What a sweet idea. Your bust?
DOT
(a
little put off)
No, my back. I'm very stiff.
VERONIQUE
She is as eccentric as you are.
DOT
Who is
this?
ART
This is Vera, Mom. Vera, this
is Dot.
VERONIQUE
It is a pleasure to meet you, Mrs.--
ART
No! She likes being called "Dot."
DOT
She can call me whatever she wants.
VERONIQUE
I will call you Dot, Mrs. L'Atexio.
Art waits for Dot to question
"L'Atexio". She doesn't.
DOT
(to Art)
So, how's your business coming
along, angel?
ART
Fine.
DOT
Do
you have a lot of patients?
ART
Tons.
VERONIQUE
You have to in this business.
DOT
Oh, are you a doctor, too?
VERONIQUE
No. I only have a Maitra de laitra from
Lyon. Is your son a doctor?
DOT
He didn't tell you?
VERONIQUE
No. I had heard that he
was untrained.
DOT
Untrained? Heavens!
VERONIQUE
Some of our greatest geniouses
were untrained. They were born
with a gift.
DOT
I wouldn't care if they were born
from the Virgin Mary. Without training,
they
wouldn't touch me. My neighbor
went to some fella who said it was all
a matter of positive attitude and faith.
VERONIQUE
These are important, yes.
DOT
Important? She ended up with one breast.
VERONIQUE
Ah, like Picasso.
DOT
Did he? Well, I'm sorry for him, but
it's his own fault. To hell with
that experimental stuff.
ART
Well, this has been great, Mom, thanks
for dropping by.
DOT
Dropping by? I'm here for the weekend.
ART
Don't you want to see May--my sister
first?
DOT
No. You know Meg and I don't get along.
VERONIQUE
Your sister's name is Meg?
ART
Yes.
VERONIQUE
Just like your friend.
ART
Just like that, yes.
DOT
Meg runs some little art gallery.
VERONIQUE
Just like your friend.
ART
Yes, isn't that weird?
DOT
Someplace downtown. I have the address.
Dot pulls another note out of her purse.
ART
No!
DOT
1453 Fossil Court.
VERONIQUE
Fossil Court? In New York?
DOT
No, Florida. "Seminole
Hills
Funeral Home." Hmm...
Someone I know must have
died... Oh, this one's going to
drive me crazy.
ART
Mom's memory isn't so good.
DOT
"I have a great memory. It's just
short." That's what Mother used
to say. She had to keep hundreds
of notes, she was so confused...
Or was she so confused because
she kept hundreds of notes?
(to Art)
Which is it?
VERONIQUE
It is too bad.
DOT
What are you going to do? You live
with it or you die. Seems to bother
other people more than it bothers me.
I'm having a ball. Is there any Scotch
in the house?
ART
Mom?
DOT
I only drink when I'm on vacation.
VERONIQUE
Oh. Where do you
live?
DOT
I don't. I'm always traveling.
ART
Vera, would you see if you could
find
Mom a scotch on the rocks.
VERONIQUE
Me?
ART
Please.
Art gestures towards his Mother.
VERONIQUE
Oh. Yes.
Veronique exits towards the kitchen. Once
she's gone, Art quickly gets
on his knees, eye to eye with the seated
Dot.
ART
Alright, Mom, listen. This is very
important. Just for tonight, I am
not a chiropractor.
DOT
You're not?
ART
Just for tonight. I'm an artist.
A famous artist named Akril L'Atexio.
DOT
L'Atexio. That's what your friend called me.
ART
Yes, she thinks you're my mother.
DOT
I am your mother.
ART
She thinks you're Akril L'Atexio's mother.
DOT
Ohh! I didn't think my name was L'Atexio,
but then, I thought, "What if it is?"
It would have been too embarassing.
ART
Do
you got it, Mom? I'm an artist.
DOT
Let me write it down.
Dot drags a scrap of paper and a pen out
of her purse.
DOT
(writing)
"Artist..."
ART
Akril L'Atexio.
DOT
"Akril..."
What kind of name is that?
ART
I don't know.
DOT
Greek?
ART
It's not germane!
DOT
Well, I didn't think it was.
ART
Mom,
if you screw up I'm in serious,
serious trouble. Now, who am I? Quick!
DOT
(saying it quickly)
Arthur.
ART
No!
DOT
Art.
ART
No!
DOT
You mean, who are you supposed to be?
ART
Yes!
DOT
Exxon
L'Texaco.
ART
Mother!
Dot playfully yanks on Art's paint cloth.
DOT
I'm pulling your leg.
Veronique reenters to hear:
ART
I DON'T WANT YOU PULLING ON ANYTHING
TIL I GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS!
Art pushes himself away from Dot, falling
back onto the canvas on the
coffee table.
VERONIQUE
Akril?
ART
Yes!
VERONIQUE
There was no scotch, only gin.
DOT
Gin? Heavens. Gin is a narcotic.
VERONIQUE
It is?
DOT
There's some narcotic in it. From
the juniper berries. I have
one gin martini straight up, and
I go nutty.
VERONIQUE
I can pour it out.
DOT
Nonsense. That's on the rocks,
isn't it?
(she takes the glass)
You know the saying.
"Here's to the something martini,
I never have... something,
Under the table something...."
You end up under the host, I know that.
Dot takes a healthy sip.
VERONIQUE
Akril?
Veronique takes Art aside.
VERONIQUE
It is wonderful meeting your mother,
but is there not someplace more private
we could go?
ART
More private? Oh, yes. I have a modest,
studio apartment in Queens that no
one knows about.
VERONIQUE
Perfect.
Veronique hurries into the studio to get
her clothes on.
ART
Mother?
DOT
(checks her note)
Yes, Akril?
ART
How would you like to stay at
the Helmsley Palace tonight?
DOT
The Helmsley Palace, Akril...?
(checks her note)
Am
I pronouncing that right?
ART
Helmsley, yes.
DOT
Helmsley? Didn't she sleep with someone?
ART
I'm afraid she probably did.
DOT
(trying to place her)
What's his-- Trump or someone?
One of the Menendez boys?
ART
No.
DOT
She
slept with someone famous.
ART
No.
DOT
Yes, she did. Oral Swaggart?
ART
Mom, you're interpolating headlines
again. She's the millionairess.
Who looks like Edward G. Robinson.
DOT
Oh, her? Awful!
ART
But her hotel is terrific.
DOT
Sounds expensive.
ART
My treat.
DOT
Your treat? I'll take it.
ART
You did bring my check?
DOT
Which check?
Veronique re-enters to hear.
ART
For the rump rolfer?
DOT
I already sent that. Didn't I?
VERONIQUE
I am sorry. "Rump rolfer".
DOT
Oh,
yes, for deep massaging the
heinio-collateral tusch muscles. Akril
says all the top chiropractors own them.
VERONIQUE
Chiropractors?
ART
For when Fred's not in town.
Nothing gets my juices
flowing like a good rump rolf.
DOT
Juices? Heavens!
ART
So, Mom, if you'll just reimburse me
for that rolfer...
DOT
I wish I could. I have a thirty dollars in
cash to my name.
ART
Don't kid, Mom. I know you're loaded.
(Dot looks at her half empty glass)
I'll quick change and we'll be off.
Art exits into the studio. Veronique and
Dot share and uncomfortable
moment. Dot checks her note.
DOT
Oh! I meant to say artist.
VERONIQUE
Pardon?
DOT
Not chiropractor.
VERONIQUE
I don't understand.
DOT
I had the same trouble in France.
It's frustrating, isn't it?
VERONIQUE
You have been to France?
DOT
I just came back.
VERONIQUE
Did you visit the Louvre?
DOT
Probably. Spent the last bit
of my husband's fortune, may
it rest in peace.
VERONIQUE
But where will you go after your visit?
DOT
I'm here to stay unless my Art
comes through for me.
VERONIQUE
You have invested in art?
DOT
Oh, thousands. But, between Art and
my travelling, it's all gone.
I don't know how to break it to him,
but if I don't find a new husband, my son's
going to get a new roommate.
Fred rushes into the room, frantic.
VERONIQUE
Frederic!
FRED
Where's Akril? Why are your clothes on?
Who's this old lady?
VERONIQUE
In the studio. What do you mean?
His mother.
Fred bolts to the studio door and pounds
on it.
DOT
How do you do?
FRED
Akril!? It's Fred... eric!
Art sticks his head out. Fred and he speak
in hushed tones.
ART
Thank God. My strawberry's fading.
FRED
The F.B.I. is
downstairs. They think
the Amir of Pepsmir's Master Assassin
slipped into the country this morning.
ART
Tell them to go away.
FRED
Do you understand? Someone has been
sent to kill L'Atexio!
ART
Relax, Fred, it's all publicity.
FRED
The F.B.I. doesn't think so. They want to
stake out this apartment and set a trap
for
the killer.
ART
But Sid is bringing back Shingles
any minute.
FRED
I'll tell them you left. Use the
back stairs.
ART
Okay.... Wait!
Art grabs Fred by the back of the neck and
pulls his head through the
door, forcing him to suck on his forehead again. Art releases Fred,
who
turns back into the living room,
grimacing.
DOT
Is everything alright?
Fred shivers and spits.
FRED
And your mother's here!
Dot is a bit insulted by Fred's reaction
to her. Art steps out,
dressed.
ART
(French accent)
I know she is, Frederic! Mother,
this is Frederic Spawn.
Dot is thrown, looks to her note for help.
DOT
Do I have to speak with an accent?
Art takes the note from Dot's hand and
puts it into her purse.
ART
(French accent)
You don't
need that, Mother. Frederic
will tell you everything you need to know
about being a tourist in New York.
DOT
Oh?
FRED
Yes, I'm going to be taking you out
on the town.
DOT
(warming up quickly)
Ohh.
FREDERIC
Along with your daughter, of course.
Dot grabs Fred's arm, escort style.
DOT
Meg?
Oh, she's a stick-in-the-mud.
We don't need her, do we, Freddie boy?
Dot gives Fred a little bump with her hip.
As they are leaving through
the kitchen, Fred steps back into the room
to report...
FRED
Wow, she really is like Angela
Lansbury.
He exits. Unknown to Fred, Dot has
wandered into the back bedroom.
ART
Do you like surprises, Vera?
VERONIQUE
Oui.
ART
When we get to Queens, you're in for
a surprise.
VERONIQUE
Yes. So are you.
Veronique grabs her purse and they exit
through the kitchen.
ART
This way, Mother! To the stairs.
Dot reappears from the back room and
follows Art out through the
kitchen just as the front door opens and
in steps DEE WRAITH. Dee is a
large dinosaur who's color chart is
limited to black, including her
long, straight, black-dyed hair. She
carries a sack of sculptor's tools
in one hand and an unfinished penis
sculture in the other.
She appears to be in one of her depressed
moods as drops her bag and
plops face first onto the sofa. Feeling
something with her hand, she
extracts Veronique's blade from the sofa
cushion.
She is setting it on the table in front of
her when she see's the first
broken marble penis. She reacts very, very
slowly though it builds to
silent screaming and writhing. Now, she
sees another broken penis then
the third, using the blade to point at
each one in horror.
Now, her eyes focus on the blade itself.
She rises to her feet and
raises the knife on high. With a banshee
scream, she rushes at the
painting on the wall. As she slashes the
L'Atexio brown-splotch
masterpiece, we blackout.
END ACT I
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