Monday, February 25, 2013

Here is the rest of ACT I of WHAT IS ART? where we meet Dot. Loosely based on my own Mom and her bad memory, it was one of the audience's favorite characters. I believe the last section included the bit where Fred accidentally breaks one of the sculptress' marble penises. Opening night at GeVa, when he snapped it off it skittered off the front of the stage into the lap of an elder patron. Actor Wally Dunn walked calmly over and held out his hand for the old lady to hand him back the penis, the returned to his spot and continued with the play. It was a great live theatre moment.


     Just as she is about to insert the disemboweling blade, the front door 
     opens. An elderly WOMAN with a blonde perm stands in the doorway. 
     
                                       WOMAN
                         What are you doing to my son?
     
                                        ART
                             (beat)
                         Mother?
     
     It is Art's mother, DOT ANGELEY. She carries a large purse and an 
     overnight bag which she swings at Veronique.
     
                                        DOT
                         Get away from him!
     
     Art yanks off his blindfold and brings Dot under control.
     
                                        ART
                         It's alright, Mom. We were playing
                         a game!
     
     Veronique hides the knife and chalice under the sofa cushion.
     
                                        DOT
                         A game?
     
                                        ART
                         You know, an adult game. Between men
                         and women.
     
                                        DOT
                         A sex game?
     
                                        ART
                         You know what that is?
     
                                        DOT
                         Sure. I just don't see how that
                         one could be any fun.
     
                                        ART
                         Mom?
     
                                        DOT
                         Yes?
      
                                        ART
                         What are you doing here?

                                    DOT
                         You invited me.
     
                                        ART
                         No.
     
                                        DOT
                         You did. You said you could introduce 
                         me to some single men.
     
                                        ART
                         Next week.
     
                                        DOT
                         No. I wrote it down.
     
     Dot pulls a scrap of paper from her purse and reads it.
     
                                        DOT
                         "Bail Larry out of jail...."
                         Who's Larry?
     
                                        ART
                         I have an Uncle named Larry.
                         Your brother.
     
                                        DOT
                         That must be it.
     
                                        ART
                         Do you remember if you bailed him out?
     
                                        DOT
                         Never start a question to me with "Do
                         you remember?"
                             (pulls another scrap from her purse)
                         Here. "May 11th, 4:30." It's May
                         11th, right?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Oui.
     
     Art looks at it.
     
                                        ART
                         Mom, this is for a doctor's appointment.
     
                                        DOT
                         It is?...
                             (she takes it back, looks)
                         What do you think's wrong with me?
 
                                      ART
                         I don't know. How did you get this address?
     
                                        DOT
                             (she produces another scrap
                              of paper)
                         349 East 49th Street, #801.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         That is correct.
     
                                        ART
                         But I didn't give that to you.
                         Where have you been, Mom? Since
                         you got to New York.
     
                                        DOT
                         Your sister's.
     
                                        ART
                         My sister's. Okay. Who did you
                         talk to?
     
                                        DOT
                         Your sister wasn't there. I talked
                         to some woman. Jenny, or Jeanie,
                         or...
     
                                        ART
                         Roxanne?
     
                                        DOT
                         That's it. The caterer. She gave me
                         your address and I wrote it down.
     
                                        ART
                         This is May--
                             (stops himself from saying "Meg")
                         --my sister's hand writing.
     
                                        DOT
                         Well, I was at her phone table...
     
                                        ART
                         Nevermind, I got it. I think.
     
                                        DOT
                         So this is where you live?
     
                                        ART
                         Yes. Do you like it?
     
     Surveying the penises, et al.
     
  DOT
                         Well... What's important is that
                         you like it.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Are you not a fan of your son's work?
     
                                        DOT
                         What? Oh, yes. I think he's wonderful.
                         I was so concerned when he was
                         a boy. He was never any good in
                         school, always in trouble. Everyone
                         told him over and over that he would
                         amount to nothing. And now, look at him.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         I love this painting particularly.
     
                                        DOT
                         Do you?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Don't you?
     
                                        DOT
                         It looks like a coffee stain.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                             (impressed)
                         She is so preceptive.
     
                                        ART
                         Yes.
     
                                        DOT
                         I'm so proud of Art. Who could have guessed?
                             (to Art)
                         I was hoping you would do me while 
                         I was here.
     
                                        ART
                         Sure, Mom.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         What a sweet idea. Your bust?
     
                                        DOT
                             (a little put off)
                         No, my back. I'm very stiff.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         She is as eccentric as you are.
     
       DOT
                         Who is this?
     
                                        ART
                         This is Vera, Mom. Vera, this
                         is Dot.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         It is a pleasure to meet you, Mrs.--
     
                                        ART
                         No! She likes being called "Dot."
     
                                        DOT
                         She can call me whatever she wants.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         I will call you Dot, Mrs. L'Atexio.
     
     Art waits for Dot to question "L'Atexio". She doesn't.
     
                                        DOT
                             (to Art)
                         So, how's your business coming
                         along, angel?
     
                                        ART
                         Fine.
     
                                        DOT
                         Do you have a lot of patients?
     
                                        ART
                         Tons.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         You have to in this business.
     
                                        DOT
                         Oh, are you a doctor, too?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         No. I only have a Maitra de laitra from
                         Lyon. Is your son a doctor?
     
                                        DOT
                         He didn't tell you?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         No. I had heard that he
                         was untrained.
     
         DOT
                         Untrained? Heavens!
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Some of our greatest geniouses
                         were untrained. They were born 
                         with a gift.
     
                                        DOT
                         I wouldn't care if they were born
                         from the Virgin Mary. Without training,
                         they wouldn't touch me. My neighbor
                         went to some fella who said it was all
                         a matter of positive attitude and faith.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         These are important, yes.
     
                                        DOT
                         Important? She ended up with one breast.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Ah, like Picasso.
     
                                        DOT
                         Did he? Well, I'm sorry for him, but
                         it's his own fault. To hell with
                         that experimental stuff.
     
                                        ART
                         Well, this has been great, Mom, thanks 
                         for dropping by.
     
                                        DOT
                         Dropping by? I'm here for the weekend.
     
                                        ART
                         Don't you want to see May--my sister
                         first?
     
                                        DOT
                         No. You know Meg and I don't get along.
      
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Your sister's name is Meg?
     
                                        ART
                         Yes.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Just like your friend.
     
                                    ART
                         Just like that, yes.
     
                                        DOT
                         Meg runs some little art gallery.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Just like your friend.
     
                                        ART
                         Yes, isn't that weird?
     
                                        DOT
                         Someplace downtown. I have the address.
     
     Dot pulls another note out of her purse.
     
                                        ART
                         No!
     
                                        DOT
                         1453 Fossil Court.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Fossil Court? In New York?
     
                                        DOT
                         No, Florida. "Seminole
                         Hills Funeral Home." Hmm...
                         Someone I know must have
                         died... Oh, this one's going to 
                         drive me crazy.
     
                                        ART
                         Mom's memory isn't so good.
     
                                        DOT
                         "I have a great memory. It's just
                         short." That's what Mother used
                         to say. She had to keep hundreds
                         of notes, she was so confused...
                         Or was she so confused because
                         she kept hundreds of notes?
                             (to Art)
                         Which is it?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         It is too bad.
     
                                        DOT
                         What are you going to do? You live
                         with it or you die. Seems to bother
                         other people more than it bothers me.
                         I'm having a ball. Is there any Scotch
                         in the house?
            
                                        ART
                         Mom?
     
                                        DOT
                         I only drink when I'm on vacation.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Oh. Where do you live?
     
                                        DOT
                         I don't. I'm always traveling.
     
                                        ART
                         Vera, would you see if you could
                         find Mom a scotch on the rocks.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Me?
     
                                        ART
                         Please.
     
     Art gestures towards his Mother.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Oh. Yes.
     
     Veronique exits towards the kitchen. Once she's gone, Art quickly gets 
     on his knees, eye to eye with the seated Dot.
     
                                        ART
                         Alright, Mom, listen. This is very
                         important. Just for tonight, I am
                         not a chiropractor.
     
                                        DOT
                         You're not?
     
                                        ART
                         Just for tonight. I'm an artist.
                         A famous artist named Akril L'Atexio.
     
                                        DOT
                         L'Atexio. That's what your friend called me.
     
                                        ART
                         Yes, she thinks you're my mother.
     
                                        DOT
                         I am your mother.
     
                                              ART
                         She thinks you're Akril L'Atexio's mother.
     
                                        DOT
                         Ohh! I didn't think my name was L'Atexio,
                         but then, I thought, "What if it is?"
                         It would have been too embarassing.
     
                                        ART
                         Do you got it, Mom? I'm an artist.
     
                                        DOT
                         Let me write it down.
     
     Dot drags a scrap of paper and a pen out of her purse.
     
                                        DOT
                             (writing)
                         "Artist..."
     
                                        ART
                         Akril L'Atexio.
     
                                        DOT
                         "Akril..." What kind of name is that?
     
                                        ART
                         I don't know.
     
                                        DOT
                         Greek?
     
                                        ART
                         It's not germane!
     
                                        DOT
                         Well, I didn't think it was.
     
                                        ART
                         Mom, if you screw up I'm in serious,
                         serious trouble. Now, who am I? Quick!
     
                                        DOT
                             (saying it quickly)
                         Arthur.
     
                                        ART
                         No!
     
                                        DOT
                         Art.
     
                                        ART
                         No!
     
                                           DOT
                         You mean, who are you supposed to be?
     
                                        ART
                         Yes!
     
                                        DOT
                         Exxon L'Texaco.
     
                                        ART
                         Mother!
     
     Dot playfully yanks on Art's paint cloth.
     
                                        DOT
                         I'm pulling your leg.
     
     Veronique reenters to hear:
     
                                        ART
                         I DON'T WANT YOU PULLING ON ANYTHING
                         TIL I GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS!
     
     Art pushes himself away from Dot, falling back onto the canvas on the 
     coffee table.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Akril?
     
                                        ART
                         Yes!
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         There was no scotch, only gin.
     
                                        DOT
                         Gin? Heavens. Gin is a narcotic.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         It is?
     
                                        DOT
                         There's some narcotic in it. From
                         the juniper berries. I have
                         one gin martini straight up, and
                         I go nutty.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         I can pour it out.
     
     

                                   DOT
                         Nonsense. That's on the rocks,
                         isn't it?
                             (she takes the glass)
                         You know the saying. 
                         "Here's to the something martini,
                         I never have... something,
                         Under the table something...."
                         You end up under the host, I know that.
     
     Dot takes a healthy sip.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Akril?
     
     Veronique takes Art aside.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         It is wonderful meeting your mother,
                         but is there not someplace more private
                         we could go?
     
                                        ART
                         More private? Oh, yes. I have a modest,
                         studio apartment in Queens that no
                         one knows about.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Perfect.
     
     Veronique hurries into the studio to get her clothes on.
     
                                        ART
                         Mother?
     
                                        DOT
                             (checks her note)
                         Yes, Akril?
     
                                        ART
                         How would you like to stay at
                         the Helmsley Palace tonight?
     
                                        DOT
                         The Helmsley Palace, Akril...?
                             (checks her note)
                         Am I pronouncing that right?
     
                                        ART
                         Helmsley, yes. 
     
                                        DOT
                         Helmsley? Didn't she sleep with someone?
     
                                        ART
                         I'm afraid she probably did.
     
                                           DOT
                             (trying to place her)
                         What's his-- Trump or someone?
                         One of the Menendez boys?
     
                                        ART
                         No.
     
                                        DOT
                         She slept with someone famous.
     
                                        ART
                         No.
     
                                        DOT
                         Yes, she did. Oral Swaggart?
     
                                        ART
                         Mom, you're interpolating headlines 
                         again. She's the millionairess.
                         Who looks like Edward G. Robinson.
     
                                        DOT
                         Oh, her? Awful!
     
                                        ART
                         But her hotel is terrific.
     
                                        DOT
                         Sounds expensive.
     
                                        ART
                         My treat.
     
                                        DOT
                         Your treat? I'll take it.
     
                                        ART
                         You did bring my check?
     
                                        DOT
                         Which check?
     
     Veronique re-enters to hear.
     
                                        ART
                         For the rump rolfer?
     
                                        DOT
                         I already sent that. Didn't I?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         I am sorry. "Rump rolfer".
     
   DOT
                         Oh, yes, for deep massaging the
                         heinio-collateral tusch muscles. Akril 
                         says all the top chiropractors own them.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Chiropractors?
     
                                        ART
                         For when Fred's not in town.
                         Nothing gets my juices
                         flowing like a good rump rolf.
      
                                        DOT
                         Juices? Heavens!
     
                                        ART
                         So, Mom, if you'll just reimburse me
                         for that rolfer...
      
                                        DOT
                         I wish I could. I have a thirty dollars in
                         cash to my name.
     
                                        ART
                         Don't kid, Mom. I know you're loaded.
                             (Dot looks at her half empty glass)
                         I'll quick change and we'll be off.
     
     Art exits into the studio. Veronique and Dot share and uncomfortable 
     moment. Dot checks her note.
     
                                        DOT
                         Oh! I meant to say artist.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Pardon?
     
                                        DOT
                         Not chiropractor.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         I don't understand.
     
                                        DOT
                         I had the same trouble in France.
                         It's frustrating, isn't it?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         You have been to France?
     
                                        DOT
                         I just came back.
     
            VERONIQUE
                         Did you visit the Louvre?
     
                                        DOT
                         Probably. Spent the last bit
                         of my husband's fortune, may
                         it rest in peace.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         But where will you go after your visit?
     
                                        DOT
                         I'm here to stay unless my Art
                         comes through for me.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         You have invested in art?
     
                                        DOT
                         Oh, thousands. But, between Art and
                         my travelling, it's all gone.
                         I don't know how to break it to him,
                         but if I don't find a new husband, my son's 
                         going to get a new roommate.
     
     Fred rushes into the room, frantic.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Frederic!
     
                                       FRED
                         Where's Akril? Why are your clothes on?
                         Who's this old lady?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         In the studio. What do you mean?
                         His mother.
     
     Fred bolts to the studio door and pounds on it.
     
                                        DOT
                         How do you do?
     
                                       FRED
                         Akril!? It's Fred... eric!
      
     Art sticks his head out. Fred and he speak in hushed tones.
     
                                        ART
                         Thank God. My strawberry's fading.
     
                                       FRED
                         The F.B.I. is downstairs. They think
                         the Amir of Pepsmir's Master Assassin
                         slipped into the country this morning.
            
                                        ART
                         Tell them to go away.
     
                                       FRED
                         Do you understand? Someone has been
                         sent to kill L'Atexio!
     
                                        ART
                         Relax, Fred, it's all publicity.
     
                                       FRED
                         The F.B.I. doesn't think so. They want to 
                         stake out this apartment and set a trap 
                         for the killer.
     
                                        ART
                         But Sid is bringing back Shingles 
                         any minute.
     
                                       FRED
                         I'll tell them you left. Use the
                         back stairs.
     
                                        ART
                         Okay.... Wait!
     
     Art grabs Fred by the back of the neck and pulls his head through the 
     door, forcing him to suck on his forehead again. Art releases Fred, who 
     turns back into the living room, grimacing.
     
                                        DOT
                         Is everything alright?
     
     Fred shivers and spits.
     
                                       FRED
                         And your mother's here!
     
     Dot is a bit insulted by Fred's reaction to her. Art steps out, 
     dressed.
     
                                        ART
                             (French accent)
                         I know she is, Frederic! Mother,
                         this is Frederic Spawn.
     
     Dot is thrown, looks to her note for help.
     
                                        DOT
                         Do I have to speak with an accent?
     
     Art takes the note from Dot's hand and puts it into her purse.
   
                                  ART
                             (French accent)
                         You don't need that, Mother. Frederic
                         will tell you everything you need to know
                         about being a tourist in New York.
     
                                        DOT
                         Oh?
      
                                       FRED
                         Yes, I'm going to be taking you out 
                         on the town.
     
                                        DOT
                             (warming up quickly)
                         Ohh.
     
                                     FREDERIC
                         Along with your daughter, of course.
     
     Dot grabs Fred's arm, escort style.
     
                                        DOT
                         Meg? Oh, she's a stick-in-the-mud.
                         We don't need her, do we, Freddie boy?
     
     Dot gives Fred a little bump with her hip. As they are leaving through 
     the kitchen, Fred steps back into the room to report...
     
                                       FRED
                         Wow, she really is like Angela
                         Lansbury.
     
     He exits. Unknown to Fred, Dot has wandered into the back bedroom.
     
                                        ART
                         Do you like surprises, Vera?
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Oui.
     
                                        ART
                         When we get to Queens, you're in for
                         a surprise.
     
                                     VERONIQUE
                         Yes. So are you.
     
     Veronique grabs her purse and they exit through the kitchen.
     
           ART
                         This way, Mother! To the stairs.
     
     Dot reappears from the back room and follows Art out through the 
     kitchen just as the front door opens and in steps DEE WRAITH. Dee is a 
     large dinosaur who's color chart is limited to black, including her 
     long, straight, black-dyed hair. She carries a sack of sculptor's tools 
     in one hand and an unfinished penis sculture in the other. 
     
     She appears to be in one of her depressed moods as drops her bag and 
     plops face first onto the sofa. Feeling something with her hand, she 
     extracts Veronique's blade from the sofa cushion. 
     
     She is setting it on the table in front of her when she see's the first 
     broken marble penis. She reacts very, very slowly though it builds to 
     silent screaming and writhing. Now, she sees another broken penis then 
     the third, using the blade to point at each one in horror. 
     
     Now, her eyes focus on the blade itself. She rises to her feet and 
     raises the knife on high. With a banshee scream, she rushes at the 
     painting on the wall. As she slashes the L'Atexio brown-splotch 
     masterpiece, we blackout.
      
                                     END ACT I
     
      

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