WHAT IS ART? (Part II)
Veronique quickly secrest the blade away
in her purse and opens the
door. Art's sister, MEG ANGELEY, enters,
dressed in Soho chic.
MEG
Hi! Is Mr. L'Atexio here?
VERONIQUE
He is in the studio.
MEG
(relieved)
Oh, thank God. Thank God....
I'm
sorry. I just had this sinking
feeling, my brother... My brother
gave me this address to give you.
He lies, sometimes.
VERONIQUE
Oh?
MEG
At the party, I mentioned you were a huge fan
of L'Atexio, and Art immediately said he knew
the man and could
set you two up. It
suddenly hit me that he might be
pulling a scam.
VERONIQUE
A scam?
MEG
Well, my brother... Art doesn't
understand the concept of "unrequited love".
I think he has a crush on you and
if he does, he's like a
sexual version of the Terminator.
VERONIQUE
I don't think I even met your brother.
MEG
No, you ignored him completely...
Which is an excellent thing to do!
VERONIQUE
I have pledged myself to one man.
Akril L'Texio. I cannot love another until
he is dead.
MEG
But you only met him tonight.
VERONIQUE
Oui.
MEG
That is so...
VERONIQUE
(a bit embarrassed)
Irrational? Twisted?
MEG
I was going to say romantic.
VERONIQUE
Ah, yes, that, too.
Perhaps you will tell your brother this,
and he will understand.
Fred suddenly rushes in from back entrance
and through the kitchen,
frantic.
FRED
Art!? Oh.
Upon seeing Meg, he forgets about
everything else.
MEG
Hi, Fred.
FRED
Hi.
MEG
What are you doing here?
FRED
Oh. Uh...
VERONIQUE
Frederic lives here.
MEG
Really?
FRED
Oh.
Uh...
VERONIQUE
In the penthouse.
MEG
The penthouse? I thought the whole
top floor was owned by
that exiled
dictator.
FRED
Bhrundi the Bloodletter? No.
It's mine now.
MEG
I'd love to come up and see it sometime.
FRED
No. Sorry.
MEG
(a
bit put off)
It was too bad you couldn't be at
my party tonight.
FRED
Oh. Well, that's alright. Too
asthetic for me, I guess.
MEG
That's what Art said.
FRED
(remembering why he's here)
Art? Art, my God! L'Atexio! Where is he?
VERONIQUE
In the studio.
FRED
No, he can't! His manager is...
We hear someone unlocking the front door.
FRED
Get in the closet!
Fred herds the two women into the closet,
and closes the door just as
the front door opens. SID STOLE, a man who
slithers into his silk suits
every morning, enters.
SID
(to someone in the hallway)
You see, Mr. Shingles. I'm afraid he's
already left town.
BIFF SHINGLES, 40's, a blonde-locked WASP
with coke-bottle glasses,
enters. He immediately crosses to the
serviceway to the kitchen.
BIFF
Well, this doesn't seem too errogenous.
SID
That's the serviceway to the kitchen.
BIFF
Uh-huh. Very interesting.
SID
The paintings for the exhibition
are in his studio. Now, you Cornhuskers
have a reputation for being progressive.
I know you'll look upon
this offering with an open mind.
Veronique pops out of the closet.
VERONIQUE
Surprise!!
Sid almost has a heart attack. Veronique
begins singing "Happy
Birthday" in French. When she gets
to, "Happy Birthday, dear...", she
stops.
VERONIQUE
Who's birthday is it? You or you?
BIFF
Is this some kind of bribe?
SID
I don't know who she is!
Fred steps out of the closet.
FRED
I can explain.
SID
Who are you?!
FRED
Fred.
SID
(pause)
So?!
FRED
What?
SID
You said you could explain!
FRED
Oh. No, I changed my mind.
VERONIQUE
This is Akril's brain massuer.
BIFF
Mr. L'Atexio is here?
VERONIQUE
Yes, he's in the studio.
SID
Impossible. I talked to him on the
phone this afternoon. He was packing
to leave the country.
Meg comes out of the closet.
MEG
No, he's here.
SID
Jesus! Who are-- wait!
(into the closet)
Is there anyone else?
(no response)
Okay. Who are you?
MEG
Meg Angeley. I'm manager of the
Gluff Gallery in Tribeca.
SID
What are you doing in Akril's apartment?
VERONIQUE
We are his friends.
SID
Wrong. He doesn't have friends.
BIFF
According to your propaganda, Mr. Stole.
SID
What does that mean?
BIFF
You've provided the public with
a rather sensational profile. Tonight,
we'll find out what Mr. L'Atexio
truly has to offer.
Art suddenly leaps out of the studio,
stark naked.
ART
VOILA!
Art slips back into the studio as quickly
as he jumped out. There is a
long, shocked pause.
FRED
Okay.
Okay, I know you're wondering
"what's he doing here?" Well...
he's the exterminator.
SID
Who are you talking about?
FRED
That man.
MEG
Mr. L'Atexio?
FRED
You thought that was...
MEG
Well, I assume it was.
VERONIQUE
Yes.
SID
That was Akril. What's your point?
FRED
You saw Akril, too?
SID
What's wrong with this guy?
FRED
Old Akril. He never changes, does he?
(shouting through
the door of the studio)
Sorry to surprise you, Ak!
(to the others)
Did you see the look on his face?
MEG
On his what?
FRED
Face.
(realizing what's happened)
Nevermind.
Biff approaches studio door, Sid follows,
to help coach Akril.
BIFF
Mr. L'Atexio!? This is Biff Shingles,
Executive Director of the
National Endowment for the Arts.
I'm here to see "Baba Mohammed
from Behind".
ART
(adopting French accent)
Oh! You just missed him.
If you hurry--!
SID
No, no, Akril, he means your abstract
masterpiece depicting the Amir of
Pepsmir sodomizing Baba Mohammed.
Your scathing indictment of
the Bab Shiite fanatics?
It was written up in the
New York Times?
ART'S VOICE
Ah. Oui.
SID
I thought you would be gone, what
with the threat on your life and all.
ART'S VOICE
The threat?
SID
From the Amir of Pepsmir. Demanding he be
brought your disemboweled bowels in
a silver chalice.
ART'S VOICE
And he was serious?
SID
Well, all of that wouldn't fit in
one chalice, obviously, but,
otherwise, he was sincere.
ART'S VOICE
I don't believe it.
MEG
A sacred Pepsmirian disemboweling blade
was stolen from a private collection
this morning.
Veronique slides down on the sofa,
suspiciously.
ART'S VOICE
Why didn't you tell me, Sid?
SID
I did tell you, you idiot! You
were supposed to go into hiding!
VERONIQUE
He is too brave. He is willing to
die for his art.
ART'S VOICE
Veronique? Is that you?
VERONIQUE
Oui.
ART'S VOICE
Make
them all go away!
VERONIQUE
You heard him.
BIFF
I can't leave until I've
evaluated your
work, Mr. L'Atexio.
SID
Akril, you recognize this voice,
don't you!? Sid?
ART
That Sid?
SID
Sid-- "your manager, but also your
friend"!
ART'S VOICE
Ah, Sid. Bon jour.
SID
It seems some right wing activist
group has been raising quite a row
about your exhibition opening tomorrow
at the Fenton Gallery. They claim your
work is "pornographic".
ART'S VOICE
The ignorant bastards!
BIFF
Well,
Mr. L'Atexio, that's why I want to
talk to you in private. The N.E.A.
provided a grant for the exhibition
as you might recall.
ART'S
VOICE
No.
BIFF
No?
SID
(to Biff)
Money has no meaning to
L'Texio. He's
a subversive sociopath.
(through the door)
The point is, Akril, this crazy, right
wing activist group is putting
pressure on the N.E.A. If Mr. Shingles
is convinced that the works in your
exhibition are pornographic,
they
might have to withdrawl funding.
Heaven knows what kind of stir that would
create in the media... Understand?
ART'S VOICE
Oui.
SID
So you just be honest with Mr. Shingles
and tell him what your paintings are
about... Remember what we said your
paintings
are about?
BIFF
Please, Mr. Stole! I'll handle
this from here.
ART'S VOICE
You
have never met me in person,
Monsier Shingles?
BIFF
No one has ever met you in person,
Mr. L'Atexio.
ART'S VOICE
Very well. Send everyone else away,
and I will give you an audience.
SID
Except me. You want me there.
ART'S VOICE
No, Sid.
SID
Don't you think I'd better stay?
ART'S
VOICE
No.
SID
I think I'd better. Don't you?
ART'S VOICE
No.
SID
I'M STAYING!
ART'S VOICE
Go away, Sid. You piss me off!
Sid controls his rage.
VERONIQUE
Akril, do you still want me to
sit on you?
FRED
I think she means "sit for you."
ART'S VOICE
Mind your own business, Frederic!
Of course, Veronique. After my interview.
VERONIQUE
Merci. But where shall I go
now?
MEG
We can all wait up in Fred's apartment.
FRED
Oh, no...
ART'S
VOICE
Oui, Frederic.
FRED
Let them upstairs?
ART'S VOICE
Oui.
FRED
To the penthouse?
ART'S VOICE
Oui.
FRED
Into my home?
ART'S VOICE
Oui, oui, oui, all the way home.
FRED
What if someone's there?
ART'S VOICE
Be sure to introduce them.
FRED
But...
ART
I'll try to get this over as soon as possible.
FRED
(inhospitably)
Come on!
Everyone but Biff exits.
ART'S VOICE
I'll be out in a minute, Monsier Shingles,
just let me throw something on.
BIFF
Of course.
Biff whips off his coke bottle glasses,
trying to get his crossed eyes
to refocus. Putting the glasses on the
coffee table, he opens his
briefcase and pulls out, first, a prayer
mat, then a silver chalice and
then a long curved knife which some might
recognize as a sacred
Pepsmirian disemboweling blade. He tests
the sharpness, but quickly
secrets it and the chalice away again as
he hears Art in the studio.
Suddenly, Biff realizes he doesn't have his
glasses and slides across
the coffee table, slipping htem on and
picking up the remote control
just as Art emerges from the studio,
wearing a spattered paint cloth as
a toga, and holding a blank canvas.
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