To celebrate my 53rd Birthday, the exciting conclusion to WHAT IS ART?
ART
Fred! What are you doing?
Fred puts down the fire extinquisher and
pulls the knife out of Vera's
hand.
FRED
Miss Ranquet, it's time for your brain massage.
ART
Not now, Fred.
FRED
Now, Akril! It's an emergency.
ART
We can stop pretending, Fred.
FRED
No, we can't!!
(to Veronique)
Get in the bath tub and don't say a word!
It's part of the pre-brain warm up process!
(Veronique shakes her head,
still stunned)
If
you don't, I can't be responsible
for what happens!
The crazed Fred is waving the knife, and
Veronique takes this to be a
threat on her life. She backs down the
hall into the bathroom. Fred
looks curiously at the knife in his hand,
then quickly hides it under
the sofa cushion.
ART
What's going on?... Fred?
Fred yanks off Art's beard and sticks it
to Art's forehead, over the
strawberry. He then puts the Yankee's cap
on Art's head and hands him
the fire extinquisher.
ART
Fred, I told Veronique who I was and
I sent Meg and my mother up
to the penthouse to see you.
Fred stomps on Art's toe for good measure,
then opens the front door
just as the real AKRIL L'ALEXIO reaches
it.
FRED
Mr. L'Atexio! Welcome home. I had
just let the exterminator in.
Akril wears a gotee and Elton John
glasses, and is dressed as a true
Soho eccentric. A airplane ticket sticks
out his top pocket.
Art adopts a broad Brooklyn accent.
ART
Bernie Silverfish. How are you?
Okays, Mr. Spawn, I'll take
it from here. Yous can
go check on dat infestation
problem upstairs.
FRED
Excuse
me.
Fred leaves. Akril stares at Art, says
nothing. Feeling compelled to
act, Art points the fire extinquisher and
releases a blast of carbon
dioxide foam along the baseboard of the
wall. Akril looks at the foam,
a bit concerned.
ART
94% biodegradable. It'll dissapate....
So, the super said yous was abroad?
AKRIL
No. I'm not a broad.
ART
(laughs)
Oh! Boy, are you a card.
AKRIL
No, I'm not a card, either. I'm...
I shouldn't talk to you.
ART
I heard yous was leaving town.
AKRIL
Oh, yes, oui. But a one-eyed man in torn
clown pants offered to carry
my luggage through Port Authority.
Somehow, we got separated.
The occasional use of "oui",
without a trace of French inflection, is
as French as Akril gets. Akril sees the
slahed painting at the same
moment Art does. Art races to it, giving
the painting an overall
coating of foam.
ART
When's the last time you sprayed
for canvas weevils?
AKRIL
Never.
ART
Geez, no wonder! You're okay now.
AKRIL
Thank you, Bernie. Merci.
ART
No problem, Mister...
Art looks at the name on the plane ticket.
ART
Bread? E. Bread? What's the "E" for?
AKRIL
Ed.
ART
Your name is Ed Bread?
AKRIL
Yes, oui... I mean, no... I mean,
I can't say.
ART
Port Authority-lag. I know how you feel.
DEE
(singing, sweetly and insanely)
"Think of a wonderful thought..."
ART AND DEE
"Any happy little thought."
Akril turns towards Art, who picks up the
song from there, humming and
whistling while he works.
ART
Da-da-da-da, da-da-duh,
Da-da-da-da, da-da-duh,
Da-da-da-da-da-duh....
Art pauses. It appears Dee has finished
singing. Art eases only a
second, before...
DEE
"You can fly!"
DEE AND ART
"You can fly!
You can fly!
You can fly!
You can fly-y!"
Akril stares at Art, dancing and spraying
foam in rythym.
ART
Yous gotta enjoy what you do.
You know what I mean?
AKRIL
Oh, yes, oui.
ART
What do you do?
AKRIL
I'm a painter...
(he spots something)
Why is
Dee's chisel here?
ART
No!
It's too late. Akril removes the chisel
unleashing Dee, who charges out
like a bull, driving Akril backwards onto
the sofa. They struggle with
the chisel, which Dee is attempting to
drive into Akril's groin.
AKRIL
Dee!
Art grabs the sculptor's hammer and holds
it over his head.
ART
(threatening)
Hey!!
Dee turns, sees the hammer, and attacks
Art fearlessly.
ART
(surprised)
Hey!?
Dee begins trying to twist the hammer out
of Art's hand. Akril grabs
her foot, the process of corraling her in
the closet is exactly
repeated. The chisel is hammered in again.
The two men sit at the base
of the door, as further bracing. We hear
Dee pounding on the door.
AKRIL
My. I haven't seen her that upset
in a long time.
DEE
Akril!
ART
She calls you Akril?
AKRIL
Oh,
yes, oui. That's my new name.
Sid gave it to me.
ART
Sid?
AKRIL
(memorized)
My manager, but also my friend.
ART
How did you hook up with him?
AKRIL
Oh. I painted his kitchen.
ART
In what style?
AKRIL
Glossy Peach Cobbler.
ART
Glossy Peach Cobbler?
AKRIL
Oh, yes, oui. But he insisted I redo it
in Poisonous Sumac.
ART
You're a house painter?
AKRIL
Oh, no. Kitchens. But I spilled the Poisonous
Sumac, which is
just gray-green, really,
and while I was looking for
a broom to clean up the paint...
ART
A broom?
AKRIL
--Oh, yes, oui-- some art dealer offered Sid
twelve thousand dollars for my
drop cloth. Sid gave me ten percent,
but said I couldn't be Ed Bread
anymore.
ART
So he gave you a French name?
AKRIL
It's not French. It's paint.
ART
Akril...?
ART AND AKRIL
Acrylic Latex.
AKRIL
Yes. I've been
Akril L'Atexio ever
since.
ART
You don't seem too happy about it.
AKRIL
Oh, no. But Sid says I will be,
once it all hits me.
ART
Once what all hits you?
AKRIL
(ponders a moment)
I don't know.
Dee pounds on the door.
DEE
Let me out!!
AKRIL
We can't, Dee, you might harm yourself.
ART
So you've never even had an art lesson?
AKRIL
No, no. If I took one lesson, Sid says the
critics would spot it. Then they would
know what they were looking at,
and wouldn't be afraid to tear us apart.
ART
Us?
AKRIL
Oh, yes, oui. I run out of ideas for what
colors to
make the blobs, sometimes,
so Sid does them.
DEE
(sweetly)
Bread-man?
AKRIL
Oui, D.W.?
DEE
I'm sorry I about your painting, Bread, but
when I saw what you had done to my
Pillars of Life,
it... GOT ME UPSET!!
While Art is turned towards the closet
door, Akril is looking at the
large, broken sculpture.
AKRIL
Oh, dear. How will I ever explain
Dee's penis?
AKRIL
I think most people would believe
ya, sight unseen.
Akril turns towards the closet door and
kneels, being concillatory.
AKRIL (continued)
Wraith-cakes? I'm sorry, I don't know
what happened to your Pillars...
SID
Knock, knock. Ready or not....
ART
Sid!
Sid enters. Seeing the real Akril, he
slams the door in Biff's face.
BIFF
Ow!
Locking the door, he rushes over to the
closet.
AKRIL
Hi, Sid.
SID
Hi, Akril.
Sid pulls out he chisel, opens the door,
yanks the glasses off Akril's
face, and uses his foot to shove him into
the closet. Rewedging the
door, he quickly pushes the glasses onto Art's face,
yank's the beard
off Art's forehead and repositions it on
his chin. Veronique enters
from the studio wearing only a towel.
SID
What
are you doing here?
VERONIQUE
I was in the bath tub
waiting for a massage.
SID
(to
Art)
That's as far as you've gotten in
thirty minutes?!
Biff pounds on the door.
BIFF
Let me in!
Akril pounds on the closet door.
AKRIL
Let me out!!!
SID
God, help me! What have I done to
deserve this?
ART
Well...
SID
It's rhetorical, you dimwit!
VERONIQUE
This man is not L'Atexio, he is an imposter.
SID
You told her!?
ART
I
had to.
VERONIQUE
Why did you do this thing?
ART
I would do anything to make
you love me. I'm obsessed
with you, Veronique Ranquet.
VERONIQUE
Obsessed? With me?
Biff pounds on the door.
BIFF
Mr. Stole!
Sid pulls out a wad of bills.
SID
(to Veronique)
How much for you to keep quiet?
Name your price.
(Veronique stares at him, unbending)
Alright, I'll name it... Fifty
dollars!? That's outrageous!
Sid pushes a bill into her hand, then puts
the plastic fruit glasses on
Art. Akril knocks on the closet door.
AKRIL
Sid?
SID
Keep quiet, Ed!
ART
Vera? You can turn me in. I'll still
love you.
(Veronique nods resolutely)
Vera?
I'll love you
a lot more if you don't.
Sid opens the door and lets Biff in.
BIFF
What's the idea of locking me out!
SID
Akril was creating an original work
of art in your honor.
Sid grabs the first thing he sees, a can
of paint, and hands it to
Biff.
BIFF
It's a can of paint.
SID
Yes!
BIFF
It's dripping on me.
SID
(now you've got it)
Ahhh!
BIFF
(beat)
Well, I like it, but
that's still no
excuse. The National Endowment does not
tolerate being made fools of.
ART
(French accent)
Since when?
BIFF
Never, sir, have I met a man with fewer morals
or convictions. You're a Yankees fan?
Art is still wearing the cap.
ART
Oui.
BIFF
It figures.
Biff turns, finds himself "face to
face" with Veronique in towel,
holding a fifty dollar bill.
BIFF
You're not going to save him, Miss,
despite your extraordinary overtures.
With that, Biff snips the fifty dollars
from her hand and swiftly
pockets it.
BIFF
(continued; to Art)
So! Is what Mr. Stole told me
true?
Art isn't sure what to say. Sid stands
behind Biff. Without looking
directly at Sid, Art holds up one finger
and nods (meaning "one for
yes"), then holds up two fingers and
shakes his head.
BIFF
What? You don't know?
Sid raises a triumphant finger.
SID
Of course he knows!!
ART
Yes. What Sid told you is true.
BIFF
That's all I need to hear, Mr. L'Atexio.
Biff puts his briefcase on a tabletop, and
opens the latches.
BIFF
Would you please get on your
hands and knees, facing the wall.
ART
Some people will do anything for a grant,
monsieur, but I am not one of them.
Veronique realizes who Biff is.
VERONIQUE
Wait! This man is a fraud!
Art and Biff are both caught off guard.
ART AND BIFF
I don't know what you mean.
Art and Biff look at each other, puzzled.
VERONIQUE
I am trying to save you.
BIFF AND ART
Save me?
SID
Nothing, Mr. Shingles. She's a, a demented,
French groupie.
VERONIQUE
He thinks you are an emissary of
evil!
SID
With paranoid delusions.
VERONIQUE
(in Arabic)
I
know who you are.
SID
Who speaks Spanish. Ignore her.
Biff and Veronique exchange looks.
BIFF
I don't know who you are, Miss.
But you had better stay out of
this for your own sake.
AKRIL
(in the closet)
Hello? Could you let me out?
Akril knocks on the door, softly.
BIFF
Who's in the closet?
VERONIQUE
It is L'Atexio's ex-lover.
BIFF
A man?
ART
Yes!
BIFF
Well, have him come out of the closet.
ART
I think that is his decision to make.
DEE
Let
us out, I'm claustrophobic!
BIFF
That sounded like a woman. Remotely.
ART
He is a female impersonator.
BIFF
But she said "us".
ART
He has a split personality.
BIFF
I don't understand?
SID
It's "Living Art." I've never been able to
get a handle on it, either. But then, I'm
not a genius.
BIFF
(knocks on the closet door)
Who's in there?
AKRIL
This is Akril L'Atexio!
SID
(to Art)
Ah! Now I see! It's you trapped in
the closet. Brilliant!
AKRIL
I'm in here with Dee Wraith. We've
been locked in and we're claustrophobic.
SID
A statement on monogamy. It's the
deepest goddamn thing I've ever seen!
BIFF
I've had enough of your games!
Biff grabs the chisel, Art and Sid lunge
for him, grabbing his hand.
Art's baseball cap is knocked off.
ART
No! You will ruin it!
Suddenly, we hear the sounds of gunshots
somewhere in the building.
SID
That sounded like gunshots.
ART
The F.B.I. is upstairs.
BIFF
The F.B.I.!?
ART
They think there is an assassin after me.
SID
There is.
ART
You mean it's not for publicity?
SID
No, it was just a stroke of dumb luck.
We'd better move Shingles to
some place safe.
ART
The incinerator room!
SID
Good idea!
ART
Let's take the stairs.
Sid and Art forcibly move Biff and exit
through the kitchen.
BIFF
No, no! I need to stay here!...
My briefcase!
But they don't stop, and are gone.
Veronique goes to Biff's briefcase,
removes the silver chalice and
disemboweling blade, secrets the chalice
behind a pillow on the sofa and slips the
blade into her cleavage just
as Meg enters with Fred through the front
door, winded.
MEG
Oh,
Fred!
VERONIQUE
What happened to Miss Angeley?
FRED
I don't know. When I got up to the
top
floor, she ran into the elevator....
Where's everybody else?
VERONIQUE
They took Mr. Shingles to the incinerator.
FRED
What!?
VERONIQUE
For his own safety, because of the shooting.
FRED
What shooting?
MEG
Fred, Mother and I went up
to your apartment, and there
was this strange little man
trying to unlock your door.
He said he lived there.
FRED
(worried)
Oh?
MEG
We
told him that you lived there and
he'd better leave before we called
the police.
FRED
(very worried)
Oh?
MEG
The man told us to get away and said
he had a gun in his grocery bag.
Next thing I knew, someone inside
your apartment opened fire.
FRED
(frantic)
Oh?!
MEG
Blood was everywhere.
FRED
Everywhere? What do you mean? Who's blood?
MEG
The
little man's, I think.
FRED
No.
MEG
He ran into the stairwell.
I think my mother
went with him.
FRED
No, no...
MEG
Two men came out of your apartment.
They said they were with the F.B.I.
FRED
No, no, no...
MEG
They said the little man was
an assassin sent to kill
L'Atexio.
VERONIQUE
No, no, no, no. Monsieur Shingles is the assassin!
I must go save Arthur.
Veronique leaves.
MEG
But then who's the little man?
FRED
Bhrundi. He lives there.
MEG
But I thought...?
FRED
No, I live in the basement. I'm
the building super... I'm sorry, Meg.
I lied.
MEG
Why?
FRED
So that Art could pass himself off as
L'Atexio and seduce
Miss Ranquet.
MEG
Why would you do that, Fred?
You know Art's the biggest user
in the world.
FRED
I didn't do it for Art. I did it
for you.
MEG
Me?
FRED
Art said he could set me up with you.
And I know you're not really interested,
but Art said there might be some hope
if he worked on you...
MEG
Fred, I love you.
FRED
What?
MEG
I've had a thing for you ever since
the first time we ran into you
at the movies.
FRED
But your brother said...
MEG
He
lied.
Meg kisses Fred. It is a long, soft loving
kiss.
FRED
If you knew how much I've suffered
for that kiss.
MEG
You? I've lost three of my closest friends.
FRED
How?
MEG
I set them up on dates with Art.
All for a chance to meet you at
the movies.
FRED
Same here. For you, I've had to rent a speed boat
and pretend to be the coach of Art's Olympic
waterski team. I've had to swipe my father's
Cadillac and chaffeur Art and some Swedish
folk dancer
to my uncle's cabin in Vermont.
MEG
I had to let Art use my apartment and
pose as his French maid.
FRED
So did I.
MEG
My God, Fred, you really do love me.
They kiss again.
MEG
Wait
a second. If that was Art, where's
the real L'Atexio?
AKRIL
(from the closet)
I'm in here.
Meg looks at the closet, bewildered.
AKRIL
Could someone let us out?
Dee's very depressed.
Meg looks to Fred.
FRED
It's a long story.
MEG
(jumps to her feet)
Fred! Bhrundi! My mother is with
a homicidal dictator.
FRED
They went into the penthouse stairwell?
We'd better check the roof.
They exit through the kitchen.
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